Amy Schumer

Trying to ride the wave of feminist opposition to “rape culture”, Amy recently had herself filmed engaging in consensual sex with a Beluga whale in the shallow waters of the eastern Pacific. She claimed she just felt “at home” in the pod. We have to agree, she sure did blend in perfectly. She was purportedly paid 2 million shekels for her noble stance against “rape culture”. “Rape Culture”, a supposed essential element of Western society, is of course a concept with no basis whatsoever in any known reality. Or to put it in scientific terms: in every parallel universe within the multiverse comprising reality, of which there are an infinite number, there is no measurable trace of this fictive “rape culture”. It is a steaming pile of Marxist horse shit. Marxism & horse shit go together like Amy Schumer & whale blubber. And on a side note, I’ve always thought that the perennially unfunny Amy Schumer would be best utilized as a line of soap products, with all of the glycerol therein being derived from her large, gelatinous hull. Immediately after making her now famous whale video to combat “rape culture”, which I should add gave new meaning to the term “humpback”, she attended a rally against Islamophobia. How’s that for irony? The world’s preeminent kiddie rape manual (aka the Quran), being defended by stalwart opponents of “rape culture”, in an absurd display of hypocrisy explained only by the selective contempt of the political left, which targets only wrongs & ills that can be somehow connected to white people. Judging by her oblong, melon-shaped skull & lack of any discernible musculature, she may be related to (((Chuck Schumer))), neo-Bolshevik senator from the great state of Jew York.

Verdict: The problem with Amy Schumer is that her mother was northern European & she looks like god sculpted her from a giant glob of Domino’s pizza dough. Her mother may have converted, but the tribe is all the worse for it. Nobody really wants to claim her as their own. But given that Casper himself said he would never date Amy Schumer because, in his own words, “That bitch is fuckin’ pale. I mean she makes Christina Ricci look like Naomi Campbell.”, I’m afraid I have no choice but to declare Amy Schumer “white”. It’s a dark & dreary day in the Alt-Right.

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